Excerpt: “Sperganomicon, Prohibited Book of the Dead Bedroom”

Immerse yourself O man in dark wisdom long hidden from the uninitiated. Use its power to resurrect the death of passion in your venereal bed. But be ye warned. See these pages with great fear and trembling, clutching its mysteries close to thy chest, without parting, even unto death, and in so following its precepts, reap its rewards.

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To commune with woman is to invite and entice her everlasting soul to merge with yours in true spirituality as a lover, a partner, an equal.

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To commune with woman without, one must first commune with the woman within. Seek Her, O man, and discover true fulfillment.

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The fairer sex is charmed and overcome by earnestness. Be ye steadfast in thy pursuit of her.

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She warms slowly and knows not lust. Become her confidante and chaste companion. This is the path of the prospective paramour.

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Woman’s desire is enlivened and inflamed by all manner of flora. Present to her moist petals of bright hue and fragrance, and she will respond in kind.

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The lady’s heart is stirred by your long, piercing gaze, in silence. Ravish her with your eyes, O man.

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The scoundrel…the rogue…the brigand…the rake all threaten your heart’s desire at all corners of the town square and public house. Only by your chaste, well-formed manner and virtue can you protect her and stir within her the purest desire for you alone.

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Never offer a disagreeable or contrarian presentation. This affects the lady’s humors and causes her to become splenetic.

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Implore her to seek social congress with eligible suitors to enhance her conversation.

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To enliven and make festive your bedchamber with additional suitors is to allow her to improve the morale of the town and present to you a feast for the eyes and also the senses.

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Should she encourage you to take on the fairer role by receiving her artificial member, or the fleshly type of one of her compatriots, accept her invitation to commune with the feminine and thus gain hidden knowledge.

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The man who adorns  himself with his lady’s apron and bonnet and performs household duties with vigor and great efficacy enjoys a banquet feast of pleasures at his lady’s table.

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Take her dancing.

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