One: A Mixed Bag
“You look a lot older than your app pics,” he said.
“Yeah but I can do things younger women can’t even imagine at their age,” she said with a wink and a smile.
“You mean like convincing yourself men still want to sleep with you?” he asked.
“The maid’s singing Johnny Cash,” he told his wife. “Hear her?”
“Did you just call her a maid?”
“It’s room attendant,” she said. “Maid is demeaning.”
“Well THE MAID sucked my dick,” he said. “For fifty bucks.”
“I’d have done it for forty.”
“Perhaps,” the doctor said, looking over her reading glasses, “the issue is your gender identity. Perhaps you’re actually a woman.”
“Did you just say that the problem is that I might be a woman?” he asked her.
“Yes,” she replied. “Have you considered that?”
“That’s crazy!” he protested.
The doctor frowned. “Perhaps if you weren’t so closed-minded.”
The man held up his bleeding finger. “I’m just here for stitches,” he said.
“I’m a pirate, a savage outlaw!”
“I say things that bother some people, and I don’t even give a shit!”
Ever read any books…like about what pirates do?
“BRB, taking the kids to karate.”
“I just don’t understand,” the man in the dress said to the woman wearing the “Pregnant Pope” outfit. They watched nervous parents hurriedly walk their children to the school door.
“Disgusting,” the pregnant pope observed.
“Freaks,” the man in the dress agreed.
“It’s Cyber Monday,” she said to her husband. “Wanna cyber with me?”
He coughed, looked up from his cereal. “Hell yeah. I know of a cam girl who prefers couples.”
“Asshole!” she yelled. “I meant online shopping.”
“She sells her used dildos,” he said.
The Efficacy of Sunlight
“Focus on the sunlight penetrating your anus,” the dance teacher instructed the nude sunbathers on the large flat rock outcrop.
“I believe I have shat,” said an older man with a long, gray beard.
“Someone help Geoff,” the instructor sighed.
She stood up and yelled. “I’ve had it!”
“With what?” he asked.
“This,” she said. “Us. This old couch.”
“Seriously?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “And you’re gonna get old, die on this couch eating pork nachos. Alone.”
“But you are going,” he confirmed.
“I don’t understand,” he said to his wife. “What’s changed?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem,” she said. “You’ve quit growing.”
“But our kids,” he said. “Our family.”
“So we took a vow. Didn’t you mean it?” he asked.
“Of course,” she replied. “Then.”
The cop in the yard grinned as his partner interviewed the couple on the porch.
“Weeee’re jus’ flatmates, guvna,” the woman said. “An’ ‘e come to me bath ‘n’ ask me to touch his lingam, ‘e did!”
“She’s from Nebraska,” the man told the cop.
The wrestler slammed his locker door shut. “Janie and I are getting pinned,” he said. “Thursday night.”
“She still shaved?” the other wrestler asked.
The first wrestler faced him, stunned. “You fucked her?” he asked.
“I shaved her.”
“The couple who got the upgrade, so cute,” one flight attendant remarked.
“I know!” the other agreed. “Just saw them sharing a blanket.” She leaned in, whispering, “I think she’s giving him a handjob.”
“Only one upgrade” the first said. “Husband’s in coach.”
“Enjoy life with your lady!” the men’s life coach said with strength and positivity. “I do, and we have no serious issues in our bed.”
“I, uh, thought your wife had, like, fucked other dudes,” one man said nervously.
“But not in our bed,” the coach clarified.
Seeing bunk beds in the room, he told her, “We were last to arrive. I’ll take top.”
She awoke later to the bed shaking in the moonlit room.
“Christ, do you have to?” she asked.
“No. You come up and do it for a change.”
“I don’t like heights,” she said.
The young couple climaxed together then collapsed on the bed.
“You wore me out, baby,” he said.
“My God, Kev,” she said. “That was even better than Labor Day weekend!”
“I was out of town then,” he said, “and my name is Tim.”
“Is your middle name Kevin?” she asked.
“You’ve seen my fiancé,” the flight engineer said to the co-pilot when the pilot left the cockpit.
“Yeah,” the co-pilot replied.
“Would you fuck her?”, asked the engineer.
“Maybe. If she lost a few pounds.”
“I meant this weekend,” the engineer said.
“Online relationships are dumb,” he told a co-worker. “You can’t really get to know someone that way.”
Yeah, I see that.
“Ok, gotta run, get a cold shower and more pushups.”
“I pay a dude who lives 1200 miles away to lead me and hold me accountable.”
“What’re you in for?” 30254 asked 50981.
“Fucking a chick in her twenties. She’d bring me beer and food while I was watching football, give me lap dances at halftime, blow me. One day she called me ‘Daddy’ at the mailbox. Neighbor dropped a dime. You?”
The newlyweds gazed at each other and at the waves rolling toward them on the beach.
“Should I tell her I knew the moment we met that she was the one, that this was fate?” he wondered.
“He looks way too much like one of those dudes who DP’d me,” she thought.
“Well that was something,” he remarked as they began clearing the dishes.
“Yeah,” his wife agreed. “I can’t believe they went on about their sex life.”
“Shameless bragging,” he said. “I can’t remember the last time we did it.”
“I can,” she replied.
Backstage, the band members heard their introduction as they pulled the concert promoter off of the lead singer.
“I can’t believe you were fucking my wife!” the promoter yelled.
“Neither could she,” replied the singer.
The two sorority sisters smiled as the teaching assistant entered the lecture hall with the professor. Both smiled back.
“I went down on him,” one girl texted.
“Me too,” the other replied.
“OMG slut,” she typed back.
“Wait,” the other whispered. “Which one?”
“Some news,” the doctor said to the man and two women. “It’s triplets.”
“And our womb-sharing plan?” asked one of the women.
“Complicates it,” he said grimly.
“Well we should do what’s best for the babies,” the man observed.
“We already have,” she sneered.
The divorcing couple sat in the conference room awaiting their attorneys.
“Dating already, huh,” she remarked. “I heard about that.”
“So what do you care?” he asked . “You left me, remember?”
“That girl is twenty-nine!” she exclaimed. “You’re forty-six! What could you possibly have in common?”
“About thirty minutes,” he said.
The man set the pint glass on the peeling bar top and tore at the corner of his cocktail napkin. “You know they’re using chemtrails to fuck with us,” he said.
“Do you understand how compound interest works?” the bartender asked without looking up.