When Rod arrived at the country club where his twenty-fifth high school reunion was taking place, the party was on the verge of winding down. His showing up more than fashionably late with a woman just ten years older than they had been when they graduated in 1984 seemed to focus everyone’s attention on the attractive couple. That–combined with the fact that no one had really seen or heard from him since then–drew many pairs of bloodshot eyes framed with drooping lids above and loose, sagging bags below in his direction.
“Rex returns!” shouted a portly man in blue seersucker jacket and pants paired with a pink golf shirt. He rushed over to greet Rod and his date.
Rod smiled down at him and shook his hand. “Indeed,” he said. “How are you, Chas?”
“You know me,” Chas replied, drunkenly mumbling and slurring his words. “Chash-tashtic as always!”
Rod smiled warmly at his old friend. Chas was sweating so hard it had soaked his shirt and was even coming through the thin seersucker. “This is Lara,” he said, introducing his companion who exchanged a handshake and pleasantries Chas.
“So what’s with this ‘Rex’ business?” Lara, a petite, girlish blonde with vivid blue eyes asked. “Something I should know about?”
“Oh I’m sure you know!” Chas exclaimed. He winked at the couple. “I gave him that nickname even though hish real name shays it all.” He winked again although it may have been an involuntary reaction to the sweat dripping off his brow and running into his eyes. “King of all swordsmen with the king of swords, Rex. How is ol’ Rex these days, podna?”
“Easy there, bud,” Rod said, followed by a stern chuckle. “Time and place was never your forté.”
Lara giggled just as a short, stocky brunette woman walked up, seemingly mesmerized by Rod’s presence.
“You remember my wife, Shally, right, Rod?” he asked in a more threatening and demanding tone. “I’m sure you do.”
“Of course,” replied Rod. “Although I didn’t know you two were married. Congratulations.”
Sally stared at Rob and seemed to say “Hello” shyly, but he didn’t see her mouth move.
Lara noticed it, too. “How did you do that?” she asked, but Sally just stared and smiled. Suddenly a stream of words, much louder now, began pouring forth from Sally’s direction yet her mouth remained closed and still.
“Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote, the droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote…”
“Great!” shouted Chas as a crowd began to form. “Just fucking great!”
“That’s the General Prologue to the Canterbury Tales!” someone shouted. “We had to memorize it in tenth grade!”
“…and bathed every veyne in swich licour…” continued the recitation from between Sally’s legs.
“Is that coming from her, her…nether regions?” a thin woman with leathery skin asked politely.
“Oh yeah,” Chas exclaimed. “King over there gave her a ride home one night in tenth grade when I had to go help pull my brother’s truck out of a mud hole.”
“Bethany? Bethany Summerlin?” Rod asked the thin woman. “That you?”
She smiled. “Hello, Rodney,” she said. “It’s Taylor now. You remember Seth Taylor?”
“Sure I do,” Rod replied. “I–”
But he stopped in mid-sentence as Bethany shuddered. Her body shook as they all began hearing a loud and energetic rendition of the Cyndi Lauper song, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” coming from below Bethany.’s waistline As with Sally, she was just smiling and staring.
What seemed at first like random murmurs spreading across the banquet hall slowly grew louder. Rod and Lara looked around the room. Most of the men in the room–who also happened to be married to most of the women–stood speechless, their mouths ajar and jaws dropping as their wives smiled at Rod while their vaginas delivered performances of fight songs, school assignments, and what sounded like the emphatic observations and exclamations of NASCAR commentators.
“That’s the 1984 Iron Bowl! Our senior year!” one man shouted at his wife, a fit, fake redhead with large plastic tits. “We started dating when we were juniors!”
Another man heard “Just the Two of Us” by Grover Cleveland blaring loudly from his wife’s genitalia and simply wept. “That was our song,” he said to her plaintively, mournfully, his face twisted in abject misery. “My God! We played that at our wedding!”
A few men, sobbing deeply, walked over to the bar and started drinking, tossing back shots of whatever was close, their shoulders slumped, heads down as they poured one shot after another. Enraged, the rest screamed at their wives before turning en masse like a school of fish or a flock of birds and advancing on Rod and Lara.
Running for their lives, Rod and Lara squeezed past the ornately furnished tables and pushed through the double doors of the grand entryway and sprinted for Rod’s Audi, running for their lives with the mob of his former classmates, wild-eyed and howling like coyotes, just steps away. Rod hit the ignition and stomped the gas pedal as the back window was smashed and chunks of safety glass the size of pea gravel tumbled into the back seat. Rod steered the car directly across the flower bed in front of him and over the curb, taking the quickest route directly up the street quickly increasing the distance between them and the crazed pack of screaming cuckolds.
“You fucked them all in high school then?” Lara asked as gunshots echoed far behind them. “All those women? All of them?”
Rod checked the rearview mirror and shrugged. “The pussy never forgets,” he said as they sped away into the night.