A pop culture vigilante known colloquially as “The Samurai” was recently bribed to interview the grouchy, recalcitrant publisher of PunchRiot. The Samurai found the publisher uncooperative so he forced the publisher to submit to the interview at sword point. Punch Riot–a new literary rag supposedly launching in Spring 2020–aspires to be, in the words of its publisher and editor-in-chief, “the kind of literary shit that real men and the women who love them” are clamoring for. What follows is the result of that conversation. The Samurai’s questions appear in bold.
What is PunchRiot?
PunchRiot is the Lone Ranger of literary journals, minus Tonto.
What does that even mean?
What does the ocean mean?
Who is your target audience?
People with eyes.
Why do you discriminate against people without eyes?
They’re shitty at pub darts.
What sorts of things appear in PunchRiot?
Words. And some punctuation.
Sometimes drawings or doodles.
What are your editorial or publishing standards?
Whatever the Publisher likes.
Aren’t you the publisher?
And who are you?
So what, then, do you like?
I know it when I see it.
Again, the “I’m so superior” thing just because you have eyes.
Was that a question?
You’ve got a real attitude there, Skippy.
Look who’s talking, Old Sport.
So this is just a website? With stories?
Phase 1 of this project will be a website for news and updates, and some samples and free content. The PunchRiot itself is a literary magazine that will only be available in PDF to subscribers behind a paywall that will also include exclusive author interviews and other related content. The magazine will contain original work by authors as well as some reprinted work from time to time. Some special issues that are topical or collected works of certain authors are planned. Phases 2 and 3 of this project will launch later this year, and in 2021 respectively.
Why would an author want to publish with you?
Because we pay them for first serial rights. And we’re fucking cool, like Tonto.
You said you were the “Lone Ranger of literary magazines,” not the Tonto of literary magazines.
What’re you, racist?
How often will The PunchRiot be published?
As often as possible. Ideally, weekly, unless the submissions are crap or we don’t get any.
What will you do in that case?
Write it all myself.
So your writing isn’t crap?
Maybe, but I’d rather smell my own.
How much does it cost?
Monthly subscriptions begin at $7.77/month.
I was joking.
So how much really?
Editor’s note: Our staff found the publisher alone and unconscious on the floor of his office with a bump on his head and the small recorder containing the interview conducted by The Samurai intact and still running. The publisher remembers nothing that happened after answering that last question, and it remains unclear whether he was struck by The Samurai or perhaps hit his head on the corner of the desk. Nevertheless, the police were called and a report filed, but the publisher declined to press charges.
Regardless, The Samurai has not been seen near our offices since that day.
~ Finis ~