Thank God for Cruise Control and Truck Stop Hookers

Prologue

I was somewhere near Cherokee, North Carolina on the edge of the Smokies when the full bladder discomfort began to take hold.

I had always longed for road trips that would take on the surreal, hallucinogenic characteristics of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But I was always too square for drugs or maybe just lacked the right combination of inner demons and adventurousness that made them an optimal or appealing solution.

Nevertheless, here I was, always, it seemed, on the verge of getting lost in a whirlwind of fresh pork cracklings and banjo music, punishing myself with road food and diet soda on my way to a weekend of what I expected to involve plenty of drinking and copacetic, symbiotic hate-fucking.

Maybe Hunter had it right after all.

* * *

I would be spending a long weekend in the mountains with a lady friend who had moved away but who had stayed in touch and was, presumably, at the end of a very long separation and divorce begun years ago. We didn’t know each other well, but well enough. I was driving five hours; she, two and a half. She wasn’t exactly my type but I was freshly divorced and taking advantage of every situations. Besides, she was fun with a decent sense of humor, had a good body, great smile, and was highly submissive. What’s not to love? Besides, this was my first real getaway post-divorce and the first time I would be spending a long weekend with anyone in that time besides family or friends. Ordinarily I wouldn’t have driven this far, but she was cool. I needed a break from work and home for a few days, and I’d been wanting to get to the mountains anyway. Besides, I had thought, it’s not like there was potential for any clingyness with us being over 8 hours apart.

Needless to say, I was looking forward to a weekend of some hot man-woman shit.

The drive up through Atlanta had been wretched. A midsummer storm had apparently moved up from the Gulf of Mexico and was drenching the whole area with a long, slow rain. It had been raining when I’d hit the road that morning; kept raining as I made my way north; helped more people wreck their cars than I’d ever seen in one day’s travel of any distance; and was turning my 5 hour drive into an 8 hour drive.

The clouds dissipated north of Atlanta and the sun appeared in a clear, blue sky as the roads got steeper and I began climbing into the Appalachian foothills of north Georgia and southwestern North Carolina. This is some of the most beautiful country I’ve ever seen in this great land of ours. Green pastures and farmland stretching to where the Smokies rose up ahead.

I stopped for gas and got out of the truck to pump it, soaking up the humidity and sunshine and the quiet. The sparse, desolate nature of the truly rural south rivals the desert and uncharted islands in the South Pacific for its sense of isolation, if not distance. There is very little to see apart from landscape for miles. The road even narrowed at this point and while I’m sure traffic up into the mountains picked up over weekends and holidays, right now there wasn’t much.

A lot of people don’t care for this kind of environment for a lot of reasons, some founded, some unfounded. As for myself…I was born in a large midwestern city but grew up in the South and, even as a very young boy fishing with relatives on the shoreline of a very polluted Lake Erie, something always stirred within me when I got near the woods or water, and I knew that was the place for me. So when we moved down south in the mid 70s, I ended up feeling more at home than I did in the city of my birth. I’ve spent a good deal of time over the years fishing, camping, and hunting and will take the isolation and aloneness over big city life every time.

I paid for the gas and some bottled water and beef jerky, and with my mind sufficiently acclimated to the world of perfect quiet and solitude I had re-entered, continued on my way, happy to be making good time, finally.

A few miles, and, you guessed it: traffic stopped yet again and the highway became another makeshift parking lot. A herd of elk were crossing the road and had stopped, blocking traffic. I was somewhat annoyed but always enjoyed seeing elk. I fantasized about elk steaks and tenderloin on the grill to pass the time. After nearly thirty minutes, I was rolling.

Passing through Cherokee, I discovered there was a Harrah’s casino there, and I briefly considered calling an audible and telling her to forget the cabin and just make the drive to the casino if she wanted to see me. Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy blackjack almost as much as sex. On some days, I probably enjoy it more at this point.

But I also like money, and we had already paid for the cabin with no refund possible at this point. With my mind re-calibrated towards hanging out with a cool chick and fucking her all weekend, I left the casino in my rear-view and pressed on.

After a long drive up into the mountains, the road snaking back and forth with hairpin turns, through cuts and dips and long steep runs up the side, I crested and pulled over at an overlook to take in the view. Looking across impossibly green valleys to the next peak, and the next peak, fading into lighter green, then blue, then gray cones in the distance, I was hoping that if some kind of apocalyptic event were due to occur in my lifetime, that it would occur right fucking now, and I would stay here, build a cabin, take a few wives in their late teens and early 20s…

I arrived at the cabin just this side of dusk. As I pulled in, my partner-in-crime–let’s call her, Hannah–was just arriving as well. She was wearing some kind of jumper made of seriously thin material and no bra, hard nipples pushing the thin fabric and the hem of her shorts riding high on her thighs. Not bad for 40. We said hello with a quick makeout session. Squeezing her ass I briefly considered dragging her straight to the bedroom, but I had a cooler full of steaks that needed attention.

It ended up being a good weekend, but not a great one. For we had a houseguest I hadn’t counted on: one Corporal Murphy, recently promoted to Sergeant, bent on enforcing his eponymous law.

And enforce it he did.

First order of business after unpacking was to switch on the hot tub on the deck just outside the loft bedroom, and fuck like wildcats on the bed until the hot tub heated up.

Mission accomplished. So far, so good. Single life was–for lack of a better word–the shit.

As it was getting late and already dark, we were both hungry so I delayed hot tub time and went downstairs to grill the steaks, a little miffed at myself that I was now going to have to tend steaks sizzling and popping delicious fat on the grill outside after dark, at night, in bear country. I wasn’t happy that the grill was one of those kinds you see at state parks, and was fixed in concrete a good distance from the house.

“Why don’t you just cook them on the stove.” Hannah suggested. “I don’t mind.”

“Nah fuck that shit,” I said. “Fuck bears.”

When I went to light the coals, I found no lighter in my pocket. Must’ve left it on the table at home, I thought. No matter, must be some in the cabin. But there were none in the cabin. I checked the stove hoping for gas, but it was electric. And Hannah didn’t have a lighter or matches.

This wasn’t going well.

Priding myself on keeping prepared, I always kept a lighter and matches in the truck. Walking to the truck I remembered that I had thoroughly cleaned out the truck and had not yet replaced everything. Including the lighter and matches.

Still priding myself on being always prepared, though with less conviction, I pulled my “get out of dodge” backpack out of the truck. No lighter, or matches. I did have a Spark Lite fire starter in there, though, and happily carried it back to the grill and got the fire going just as it started raining.

“Improvise,” I thought. Adapt. Overcome. I found some metal skewers for the grill and used some of the heavy duty aluminum foil I brought with me to make a little standing cover for the grill. We sat on the covered porch, watching the grill and listening to the light rain click against the carpet of oak and hickory leaves on the ground.

I had Hannah blow me while while the coals rendered and I listened for bears, occasionally sweeping the area with my billion lumens cop flashlight while trying to remain alert despite the pleasure and exaggerated slurping sounds.

I shot my load and she swallowed like a lady, if a somewhat mischievous one. Then I threw the ribeyes on the grill. They cooked to a fine medium rare quickly, and without incident involving wildlife or otherwise.

We spent the evening in the hot tub and the bed. The rest of the weekend was more of the same, though as it wore on she became increasingly maudlin and depressed.

“When are we going to see each other again?” she asked. “I could get my parents to watch my kids, drive down to see you.”

“Let’s play it by ear,” I said. “This has been fun, but we live too far apart to have any expectations.”

The rest of that day, the last day, involved her mostly pouting. That was when I learned my lesson about traveling for pussy. I was 5 hours from home but it sure seemed longer.

She became affectionate, then withdrew, and continued this soy ops, alternating hot and cold for the rest of the day. She got in bed early, clinging to her side of the bed with her back to me. I said, Fuck it, went downstairs to watch sports.

She eventually came downstairs with a sheet wrapped around her naked body. She was warm again. We fucked on the couch with baseball on tv and a hard rain pounding the metal roof on the other side of the vaulted ceiling.

My spidey sense was tingling now, though, and I wasn’t very into it. Pretty sure we had next level true colors coming out and they were cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Or maybe she was just “going through a tough time.”

At one point I started imagining bears watching us through the windows and jerking themselves off at these hairless creatures with their exaggerated rutting. I turned my head, and snickered. She mistook it for passion.

But that, my friends, is the history of the world, and all good things end with come. I shot my load on her big, beautiful tits, and we went upstairs to bed.

* * *

Epilogue

 

The final hours the next morning were the apocalypse I’d prayed for on top of the mountain. It was not the apocalypse I needed, but the one I deserved having gone on this weekend long excursion into the heart of female darkness with someone I barely knew.

Whether she was BPD or going through caffeine withdrawal, I have no clue, but if anything was going to motivate me to get my ass in gear and hit that long, painful drive home that I was dreading, this was it. Providence, of a sort.

After a perfunctory hug and an insincere, “Yeah, don’t worry about it”, I jumped in the truck and got the fuck out of there.

Stopping to fill up the tank and resupply with shitty road food at a very large interstate truck stop that also caters to us four wheelers, I contemplated that picturesque route back down the mountain through the sparsely populated rural landscape I loved so much. I thought, Fuck that, and decided to take the slightly longer way back, the one involving an interstate which would allow me to counter the extra distance with speed.

After taking a leak and buying pork skins, jerky, water, a donut, and diet mountain dew, I dropped my jerky and water, and heavily processed poison into the cooler on my passenger seat and walked around to the driver’s side. Across the way I saw a woman being helped up into the cab of an eighteen wheeler by the driver, the door shutting behind them.

Yeah I know. Could’ve been his wife or girlfriend…or daughter for all I care. But my mind drifted back twenty years to my first ‘real’ job in my late 20s, working in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. I had befriended an older, retired cop, not much older at that time than I am now. He had retired a detective and liked to talk occasionally about the crazy shit he’d seen over the years. He knew I was heavily into competitive shooting and was an all-around gun nerd–which he was also–so we got on alright, and as a much younger married man he liked to give me advice.

He’d talk a lot about prostitutes and while he never admitting to any exchanges, such were implied, and he’d talk about how hot and friendly some of them were. “But not the ones down around Arkadelphia,” he would say. It was a road at the northwest edge of the city where there was a truck stop notorious for its hookers.

“I wouldn’t fuck one of them with your dick,” he’d say. “But I guess they’re doing God’s work.”

As I got back into my truck, I remembered those conversations and how he was the first one to ever tell me the joke about how you don’t pay hookers for sex; you pay ’em to leave.

I pulled onto the interstate, heading south, setting up my old school iPod to  supply the truck’s sound system with Zeppelin and Jimi. Heavy on the gas pedal, I set the cruise control on 85, anxious to get the fuck out of here and back home, where the women were just as crazy but just a few gallons away.

That was 5 years ago, and I learned that lesson.

Non-fucking-serviam.

 

 

 

 

You’re probably still a dumbass: post-divorce advice for men

(And especially you old fuckers).

I knew I was kind of a dumbass. And I decided I didn’t want to be.

In my origin story I break down my strategic approach to my divorce and what I did in the following six months to start figuring out what kind of life I wanted and how best to get there. Here, we start getting a bit more tactical.

In one sense, I was in no hurry to change anything coming out of my twenty-year marriage, and didn’t need to be. Taking time to think things through and deal with all of the issues that tend to rise to the surface during a major life change is wise. However, at 50, with our 30 year high school reunions behind us and friends our age dying, we have a tendency to think, “Holy shit, my best years are behind me. I need to get my ass in gear.”

The truth is, yes, many of your best years are indeed behind you. Chances are, though, that those years–or parts of them–sucked balls anyway. As long as you learn from the past and don’t repeat the same mistakes, some of your best years are beginning right fucking now, but only if you stop being a dumbass and planting the seeds of your own destruction.

1. Dumbass move: Seeking, or getting pulled into, a serious, long-term relationship.

Most men I’ve known do this. Nearly all women seem to. They date a little for a few months after the divorce, and by the end of that first year, they’re already in some kind of committed, serious relationship.

For all I know, most of you reading this who are in a similar situation will do this. If so, you’re a dumbass and you might as well stop reading now. You won’t be saved.

If you want a relationship, want to get married, whatever at some point, that’s your business, but definitely don’t even consider it in that first year.

You will probably do this because you’re insecure and don’t want to be lonely, and being in a relationship after those years of marriage is what normal feels like. Tough shit, Tonto. Job #1 is to learn how to be alone without being lonely, and making peace with that. Or else you’re not really a man and you’re no good to anyone else.

Chances are you’re open to that relationship right now because you’re wounded, your ego is bruised since it was probably your ex who went for the divorce, or cheated on you, and you’re looking for validation, security, a future that is locked down.

Fuck that noise.

Methodology: Spend 6 months highly focused on setting firm boundaries on relationships with women. Then carry this out to 2-3 years. Learn how to enjoy socializing and sex with them without being sucked into–or pursuing–something more serious and domestic. Develop your other interests and male friendships during this time. There are 3.5+ Billion women on this planet. If you allow yourself to develop a thirsty, scarcity mentality, you will never have what you truly want.

2. Dumbass move: Relying on dating apps as a crutch instead of as a convenience.

Yeah, I know…for many, it sounds like the best way to quickly meet a chick or two and bust that post-divorce-I-need-me-some-strange nut. Do what you gotta do.

The problem is you’re probably using Tinder or Match or whatever as a shortcut to hack through your anxiety and spinelessness. But the women you really want aren’t attracted to men without spines.

Also, if you’re like most men and have no game and can’t hold frame, once you start chatting and then meeting women in person, you’re either going to talk her out of fucking you, or you’re going to get pulled in whatever direction she wants because you’re not used to getting laid.

Force yourself to up your social skills and game. Contrary to popular belief, “game” in my view is really just learning how to push through social anxiety and connect with people in general, enjoying yourself in the moment. In so doing you will learn how to drive the interaction in directions you want it to go, and pull people–women in particular–in your direction.

Just think about how nice it would be to walk into a room and be able to engage whomever you found interesting in, at the very least, an enjoyable conversation.

Methodology: Spend 6 months focusing on social interactions. Read up on and study game (reading list coming soon) from people who know their shit and know how to teach it.

3. Dumbass move: Seeking validation from the female-centric cultural priesthood…or your married friends.

Face it: you’re probably kind of a pussy. I certainly was. If you’re divorcing after 40 and didn’t really want to be, it ain’t all your ex’s fault, no matter how much of a bitch or a whore you think she was. Chances are high you stopped leading…assuming you were ever leading to begin with.

Make no mistake: if you’re not living the life you want, you’re the problem. And only you can solve the problem that is yourself.

Your family and friends want you to find a nice girl, settle down again. Your friends’ wives want you in a relationship because they don’t want their husbands exposed to your “bachelor wonderland.” Much of the culture and the legal system wants you to put women on a pedestal and subjugate yourself to gynocentric or feminist ideals. Tradcons (traditional conservatives) want you to follow their rules on monogamy and religion and politics. Women want you to be a ‘nice guy’ and not a ‘player’…and certainly not an older man who dates much younger women (not that you have to do that, either). Your kids want you to finance their endless adolescence.

Almost nobody wants you to be a man.

Methodology: Unplug from the constant bombardment of stupid television, movies, music, news for 6 months. Study men who do not conform to current societal expectations. Don’t explain yourself or over-communicate with anyone. Practice keeping more of your thoughts to yourself, so that instead of seeking validation from anyone, re-frame yourself and your interactions so that people seek validation from you. Instead of talking first, listen first and talk last, and then make the few words you say count. Most importantly, and at every opportunity: start telling people, No. It’s more important for you to be able to tell people, No, than it is for them to get what they want from you.

Spend 6 months changing or avoiding these 3 dumbass behaviors that typically ensnare older men coming out of a divorce or other serious change, and see how things look then. It will not be easy. It wasn’t for me, and it still sometimes isn’t.

But you don’t lose a fight if you keep on fighting.

As always, Non-serviam.

 

 

 

 

 

Non-serviam

“I live for myself and answer to no one.” — Steve McQueen.

Let’s call this an origin story. You’ll have to read between the lines. And one thing should be understood up front: I’m a fighter, not a lover. Always have been. I will romance with the best of them and enjoy women, but real connection is a by-product of strength, and you don’t get strong by sitting on your ass and cuddling.

Being just into my late forties in January 2016 when my divorce was final, I possessed the advantages of experience rather than the advantages of youth, although being reasonably fit, muscular, and somewhat young-looking were all bonuses that I knew I had to maintain and which would serve me well.

So, older and somewhat wiser than I was when I proposed in my late twenties, I could see through the fading clouds of grief over a family lost that the future was now a surprise party and I was the guest of honor, and I knew that I would seize this opportunity and ride it to hell and back if need be to make the rest of my life the life I wanted.

Being in decent shape, decent looking with solid social skills, and making a great living in a leadership position at a company I helped start, and for which I mainly worked remotely and traveled a lot, I knew I was positioned better than most men my age. The future was about as wide open as it could be so long as I didn’t simp out during this divorce and lose that which I’d worked hard for all those years.

While I had been a kind of manager at work and at home for years, I had gotten weak as a leader in my marriage. I was generally pretty strong where my boys were concerned, but considerably more “blue-pill alpha” (as I’ve heard Rollo Tomassi put it) with the wife. I had been working on changing that for a while, on my own, not having read anything in the masculine self-help space and not really aware anything existed beyond the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” bullshit nonsense I was vaguely familiar with. In the year leading up to the separation, I was increasingly responding to my wife’s shit tests and related behaviors with a James Bond smirk and the response, “Non-serviam”, meaning, “I will not serve”…presumably the words of Lucifer in rebellion against God.

So when the separation was triggered, I had already made progress and did three things through the separation and divorce that got me oriented toward the new life and new opportunity I wanted to build for myself. The mistakes men make at this juncture are common and I’d seen it live, in action. Seen friends cower before their soon-to-be-exes who pushed them out of their bedrooms, their homes, their children’s lives. Even in my somewhat “purple-pilled” mindset at that point, I couldn’t understand why men would simply roll over.

I began to consider very carefully how I would conduct myself through the divorce. Here is what I did.

1. No compromise. I decided what was right and stood my ground.

I refused to sleep in the spare room or leave the house, despite being prompted by her. I had done nothing to warrant my sleeping elsewhere, so my response was a simple, “No reason for me to change what I’m doing. Both the bedroom and house lock from the inside which means you can leave any time. As for me, I’m conducting business as usual.”

She moved out. Because I was prepared and got read-in on the laws in my state, I was allowed to change the locks when she moved out. I did so, immediately.

She’s not your friend, men. Don’t let your emotional state cripple you into doing things, or agreeing to things, in order to look nice but that you’ll have to live with for months or years. Fight legally. Fight professional. Fight without drama. But fight.

I maintained this frame throughout the divorce process, standing my ground on all points in the no-fault agreement that mattered to me, and ultimately winning on all those points. I made her file. I made her pay for her attorney. I simply went about my life and let her figure it all out, then altered any of her proposals I didn’t like, told her what I wanted, and waited. Since she was in such a hurry to get out herself, and get back on that cock carousel, I held leverage, and I milked it for all it was worth to me.

2. No weak, soy, bullshit. I started fucking new women asap.

After two decades of marriage, most of them not that great in terms of she and I, I was ready for some strange. And I got it, despite the fact that it felt, well, strange at first to be fucking someone who looked, felt, moved, smelled, tasted, and sounded different from the one woman I’d been with for so long. But it was fun and nice being with women who were enthusiastic about being with me.

This was yet another declaration of the principle of non-serviam. Friends, family, “experts” were all reminding me about how “fragile” I was. How I needed lots and lots of time…maybe even months, years. Insofar as they meant, Before getting into a serious relationship again, I agreed. But as far as dating and having sex? Fuck that noise. I was going to enjoy women without getting dragged into relationship. I owned my frame not just with women, but in all aspects of life. The world was mine now.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that fucking a few women regularly was, for me, better than fucking one woman constantly. I get it though: divorce after such a long time as a family man and more or less typical dad leaves you feeling, well, wrong. No one waiting at home…no errands to run for the wife after work…no stopping by the store to pick up a few things she texted you. Most men and women jump right back into a serious relationship and marriage just because that’s what feels normal to them, and they feel lost without it.

And that’s the problem. That’s why second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages: men and women alike are chasing a sense of “normalcy” and the familiar. But it is a phantasm. It is an ideal that doesn’t exist.

In short, normal kills. Hold your frame.

It was time to create a new normal. I had seen my own father burn through three failed marriages, one after another before dying in his early seventies never having crossed the line he pursued in his gyno-centric, blue-pill, beta fog. That wasn’t going to be me. I didn’t know everything but I had learned from his mistakes, from his negative example.

3. No sitting around, waiting for anything or stewing in useless emotions. I traveled.

I was fortunate in that the only thing my divorce cost me was my ex’s share of the household expenses. No alimony. No child support since both kids were over eighteen. We each kept our bank accounts, our retirement, our assets and vehicles. It was a clean, if acrimonious, break, with little drama.

I was also fortunate in that I had the option to travel a lot for work, so I could piggy back personal days around business trips. I had typically not been all that fond of travel, and because of that, it was one of those new and different things that were out of my comfort zone and which I had slowly begun to enjoy over the years traveling for work.

First the weekend road trips increased. Then, in the summer of 2016, I made a ten-day tour of the northeast, just me, my rental car, and Google Maps. Drove around New Jersey, from AC to NYC, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Played blackjack in Atlantic City with a hot blonde who lived in the northeast who I’d met through friends. I had just started studying blackjack the year before, learned basic strategy, and on this trip had come out ahead with enough winnings to cover the cost of the casino hotel. I then visited family in Manhattan. Spent time on the New Hampshire seacoast with work friends. Experienced the Berkshires and Hudson Valley in upstate New York for the first time, both of which were beautiful to the point of being sublime. I can’t overstate the natural beauty of either place, and I’m long overdue going back.

It was a great time and long overdue for me. On the road every day, working on game in an area where I’d spent little time. Having grown up in the South, I discovered there was an entire segment of women who were curious about Southern men, and I satisfied their curiosity as much as possible everywhere I stopped.

It was a great trip at the right time.

That ten days capped off six months of re-learning how to live life on my terms. How to rationally think through and spec out the kind of life I wanted, then doing what it took to make it happen. Then living it. And living it on the road, in places that were new to me, where I didn’t know anyone, and, therefore, had to adapt, improvise, succeed with no companion or wingman. Any last vestiges of hesitation in social situations were burned away without my realizing it at first.

People who harp about mindset, meditation, etc. usual fail in this sense: having control of one’s mind and will is an important thing, but true changes only come from action, from doing. Discipline in daily behaviors and routines is part of it. Getting out of your ruts and routines is the rest, and it will never feel right before you’ve done it, and done it repeatedly.

Men need to journey alone at times. It leads to true self-discovery, and true re-creation of what we’re capable of. It is a key component to growth so long as we push ourselves, test ourselves.

For this particular trip, ten days had been long enough. I was missing home, missing the South. Real iced tea and Southern women. A quick, two-hour flight put me back where I came from. The comfort of home was most welcome. Magnolias and dogwoods and longleaf pines with their massive cones like fire hydrant caps.

Just a year earlier I’d still been married and just starting that painful transition. I was worried about myself. My health insurance had been through my ex’s job. The kids were angry. Hell, everyone was angry. Finances would have to be reworked, etc.. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

Those are all problems that can be easily solved. The real problems: your own fear, insecurity, unhealthy attachments, and generally soy behavior, not so much.

Home again, it seemed like it had been much longer than a year. Every problem, every pain point still existed, sure, but existed as a mere objective fact: It’s a sunny day. There’s a lamp in the corner of my den. I used to be married. I used to defer. I used to be a nice guy. Or even a not so nice guy playing by others’ rules:

“I have served. I will be of service.” — John Wick.

You’re not John Wick. Your wife is not The High Table. Nor is the church. Nor are tradcons, feminists, or women in general. Follow your own path and you will become a target. And you will become stronger than you ever thought possible.

It will scare the shit out of everyone who can’t or won’t do it: “It’s not healthy for you to date multiple women”; “You’re going to die alone”; “Dating women twenty years younger than you is just wrong”.

Fuck that noise. Go forth and conquer.

Non-serviam.